Putting Myself Back Together

Last night I seriously considered seeing a psychologist. But I quickly rejected the idea- not because I don't think I need help (God knows I do)- but because this is nothing I can't fix on my own.
I pride myself on possessing great intrapersonal intelligence. I know myself well. I know my strengths, but I know my shortcomings even better.

I don't understand why I have such low self-esteem. I have very little confidence in everything I do. Even writing- it is the one thing I love to do above all others, and even then I hardly even WRITE because I'm always so certain that anything I write will be terrible. And it barely matters if I receive praise. I always think people are just being kind, going out of their way to be nice. If 10 people praise me, but only 1 criticizes me, I'll only care about the one who criticized me. Why do I do that? Why?

Can anybody answer that?

Nashira gave me some very intelligent advice. She said that the problem with people is that we're reactive when we should be proactive.

pro·ac·tive
Pronunciation: (")prO-'ak-tiv
Function: adjective
1 [1pro-] : relating to, caused by, or being interference between previous learning and the recall or performance of later learning (proactive inhibition of memory)
2 [2pro- + reactive] : acting in anticipation of future problems, needs, or changes

Nothing will change if I don't make it change. That's why lately my attitude has taken such a turn. I refused to shed a single tear over Esteban, and I kept my word. Each day I concentrated on moving forward, never looking back. Each day I found reasons to look forward to the future. I got a haircut. I'm trying to dress nicer, to look nicer. (This in itself is exhausting. I'm not a very vain person.) Pero a mal tiempo buena cara.

And it's working. My friends are being so supportive. They're so happy and proud of me when they see me, still strong.

I'm too proud to admit it, but moving forward is terrifying.

It's not that I don't believe in love anymore... it's more like I don't believe in people. The only thing I ever asked of Esteban was honesty, but he couldn't even give me that. People who knew us envied us. Like my sister said when I told her I'd been dumped: "But what you had was so pure." And even though I did nothing to deserve it, I had my heart broken. Three years forgotten like they were three days. That hurt a lot, and it wounded me even more than it should have because one of my greatest, darkest fears is that I'm someone easy to forget.

I've always considered myself to be "a fly on the wall". I just pass through, unperceived. That way, if I'm forgotten, it's because I wanted it... rather than try my best and be forgotten anyway. I know it's very stupid of me to think this, but it's just the way I am.

Supportive friends vehemently contradict me on this. They say I'm not someone easily forgotten. They say I deserve someone better... but just find that so hard to believe.

I don't consider myself pretty, but I am proud sometimes of what you could call "inner beauty" (but hush, I would never say that out loud). But then I think, does anybody even care about inner beauty anymore? The few who do already have somebody much better than me anyway.

I'm sure a lot of people spend a lot of time imagining what their perfect someone would be like. I do, too. But I always think that my perfect someone's perfect someone could never be someone like me.

So... what do you think? Do I have issues? Should I see a psychologist? Heheh.