Signs of Wear and Tear

Well, it's been more than a week since we broke up. I'm doing okay. Still strong, but signs of wear are showing. I'm finding it difficult to maintain my spirits high when I'm alone. I've got no choice but to live with myself, so I can't go depending on everybody to cheer me up.

I find it amusing when people offer possible explanations. Like Nashira. She said he'd probably broken up with me because in three years, I never slept with him. I doubt that's it, because Esteban never even asked me to, but it still made me laugh because I've always said that men think with a different head. (Haha!)

I really, really hope my belief in divine justice comes through. Just like I hold my breath in anticipation of the day my father gets what's coming to him, I wish the same for him. Not for my personal satisfaction alone... I just need to know that people reap what they sow. I need to know that there IS such a thing as karma.

A little part of me hopes that he never finds happiness. That's cruel of me, I know. But I can't help it. The bastard broke my heart! I want him to someday realize that the biggest mistake of his life was letting me go. And when he realizes it, I want him to try to crawl back. And when he does, I'm going to crush his heart. I'm going to make him live with his regret.

...In the meantime, I seek solace in imagining myself with someone new, with someone better. I'm very... needy. I can't be alone for too long. But that's dangerous because then I risk settling for just anyone- sometimes I think I did that with him. Don't get me wrong, these three years have been the happiest of my life. But I never liked how suddenly we jumped into the relationship.

I think that, next time, I want someone who's sure of himself. Someone hard-working and goal-oriented. Someone I can look up to, someone who inspires me to give my all and do my best. I want someone with infinite patience and unyielding loyalty. I want someone who appreciates my (few) good qualities: I'm trusting, therefore I'm not possessive nor jealous. The only thing I demand in a relationship is honesty. I'm the perfect balance of affection: I know when to cuddle and when to respect personal space. I'm not a materialist. Money and power do not sway me. And last but not least, humor is very important to me.

(I don't have much to offer, do I?)

Haha, I wonder if someone like that even exists. And if he DOES exist, would he really want someone like me?

I doubt it... very much.