Retraction

Tonight for the first time in a month, I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I forced myself to toughen up, and the tears stopped forming before I could spill the first one.

"I miss you."

There, I said it.

It ripped my pride to shreds, but I said it.

I'm trying so hard not to miss you. I'm moving on, evolving, loving the changes life has dealt me. But there's always something lacking, and I was too proud to admit it was you.

If I have to live without you, I will.

I just don't want to.

...

I can't stand being alone. I pride myself on being so strong and proud, but the reality is that I'm very weak, and I depend on others to make me feel significant and important. If I don't have anybody to love me, then I can't love myself. It really is very foolish of me, I know... but you can't change some things about yourself, ugly as they may be.

...

I've been spouting proverbs and sayings like there's no tomorrow. They gave me strength when I was weak, made me appear strong and intelligent when I was really feeling defeated.

No hay mal que por bien no venga. I found reasons to go on. Thought only of my career, my future.

A mal tiempo buena cara. I would never allow anybody to see me weak. I practically bought a new wardrobe. Got a haircut. Put on makeup. Smiled for the whole world to see.

Un clavo saca otro. Even though the last thing I wanted was to get into a new relationship, I sought out somebody to connect with. Somebody I could fall in love with somewhere down the line. Somebody to help me remember that hope is not lost, and I can be loved.

...

I had to teach a class on proverbs. I became very passionate about it. I learned a few good ones, too.

One lie spoils a thousand truths.

There is no foot which does not stumble.

Daring talk is not strength.

...

It's difficult not to think of what people will say if they saw me now... going against everything I proclaimed.